Category Archives: Humor

A Star Trek The Next Generation Night Before Christmas

A Star Trek The Next Generation Night Before Christmas
Based on “A Visit From Saint Nicholas” by Clement Clarke Moore Adaptation copyright 1991, Eric R. Rountree

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armourery securely,
In hope that no alien would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all sung in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks)
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face to face…

When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the turbos and shouted “Deck One!”
The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
“It’s Riker, It’s Data, It’s Worf and Jean-Luc!
It’s Geordi, and Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away!
Float away all!”

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out,”what the Hell is this, Q?!”
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
“That’s enough!” cried the captain, “You’ll stop this at once!”
And Riker said, “Worf, take aim at this dunce!”
“I’m deeply offended, Jean-Luc” replied Q,
“I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you.”
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

“I’ve brought gifts,” he said, “just to show I’m sincere.
There’s something delightful for everyone here.”
He sat on the floor, and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
“For Counsellor Troi, there’s no need to explain.
Here’s Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I’ve some mints, as his breath’s not too great
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.”
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there’s sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way.”
And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from
sight, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!”
—end—

Santa Claus is Coming To Geek Town

Santa Claus is Coming To Geek Town

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}

Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins

Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”

5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

The Twelve Days of UNIX

The Twelve Days of UNIX
Lyrics: Evan Leibovitch [evan@telly.on.ca]

On the first day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
A burnt-out V.D.T.

On the second day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the third day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the fourth day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the fifth day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Five core dumps;
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the sixth day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Six bad controllers;
Five core dumps;
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the seventh day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Seven blown partitions;
Six bad controllers;
Five core dumps;
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the eighth day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Eight gettys dying;
Seven blown partitions;
Six bad controllers;
Five core dumps;
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the ninth day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Nine floppies frying;
Eight gettys dying;
Seven blown partitions;
Six bad controllers;
Five core dumps;
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the tenth day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Ten ports a-jamming;
Nine floppies frying;
Eight gettys dying;
Seven blown partitions;
Six bad controllers;
Five core dumps;
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the eleventh day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Eleven chips a-smoking;
Ten ports a-jamming;
Nine floppies frying;
Eight gettys dying;
Seven blown partitions;
Six bad controllers;
Five core dumps;
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.

On the twelfth day I left it, my Unix gave to me:
Twelve boards a-blowing;
Eleven chips a-smoking;
Ten ports a-jamming;
Nine floppies frying;
Eight gettys dying;
Seven blown partitions;
Six bad controllers;
Five core dumps;
Four bad blocks;
Three heads crashed;
Two faulty tapes;
And a burnt-out V.D.T.